There is no logic behind True Love

Too much pressure is coming on me now... everyone wants to get me married even though I have told them I cant do it now.

Every time something like that is asked to me. all that I have is a sense of guiltiness thinking about you. soon the reality strikes and that guilty feeling turns into desperation, hate and helplessness.I become numb in front of others and life becomes hell..

Torture ... thats the perfect word that you can use for the situation you have left me with...

I keep asking myself .. why do I think like this about a girl who celebrated her marriage distributing sweets in the office while I was present in the office and then said sorry to me.. I dont know.. just want to ask you my dear..what kind of a heart do you have?

You will have explanations for everything as usual... But you should have been in my position that day to really feel the pain

Whatever it is.. I still cared for you even after that.. I still couldn't understand the logic behind that.. Maybe there is no logic after all... 

Idiot

Love Should never be an obsession

Love is not an obsession.

I  Myself have thought for a lot of time whether what I am going through these days or what i am doing now will count as obsession or not? But I know for sure for now that its not obsession i have .. it is just the repercussions of love.. because you did mean a lot to me and i cant get over you ..

For sometime I was under obsession too. even after your marriage I messaged you a few times when the obsession part in me took over .. I am completely at peace with that now and I am happy actually that you are happy .. but I am not happy that you are not enjoying that happiness with me..

As I have promised I will never stand in your way.. you choose someone else over me ,, and you are happy now.. what does that mean? it means  you never required me .. you were self reliant.. it was me who required you and I should have hold on to you..  But at that time i had thought that love should be from both sides and you too should show some intent that you need me.,. you never  did that .....even though I had literally begged you to give me a second chance to convince your father.. I am not sure that would have gone well .. but i was ready to try.. i was completely taken back by your father who  suddenly started to beg me not to destroy his family.. i am not a hard hearted person not to think that and tell him I want to marry your daughter still..

Now that I think about all that.. I believe that had you given me a second chance to talk to him.. I could have found a way for us to be together.. of course you needed to show some intent too..

Frankly. I never thought you leaving me will affect me this much.. what i am feeling now and experiencing now is beyond the imagination of what I could have ever dreamt of..

And my dear.. this is not obsession.. this is just the other side of love.. the pain..

I wont come in your life.. and I dont want it as long as you are happy with whoever it is. I will just find a way to live like this day by day.. until the next birth..............

Idiot

Loneliness - You are always alone in your life

Loneliness..
How are you able to not think about me ? I cant understand how it is possible. I believed that you I am really feeling the impact of that inside me.. I keep thinking about conversations .. just cant get rid of those thoughts...

Today was a holiday and that made things worse. if office was there.. at least that much time would have been lost. At home when i am alone.. all sorts of ideas comes to my mind and believe me my dear.. you are part of each thought that i have.
 loved me ... We even behaved as husband and wife for a lot of time during our time together.... Our games .. stories we have made up....Then how were you able to move away from me ?

If you knew how to move away, you should have taught me that.. you should never have left me like this.. do you remember... you even injected  hope inside me a week before your marriage chatting with me the whole day. I still remember every bit of what you were  doing that day.. your visit to the eye doctor.. papa dropping you.. huge rush at the clinic .. you going back by auto... chats we had about the harshness of life.. you asking me to message you whenever i want........ I remember every minute of that day.

My dear.. now looking back I feel you should not have done all that.. you must have been trying to soften me from doing anything stupid.. but such things that you have done is haunting me now.....

and you know something my dear... I am still crying as I type this...

Idiot

I think I am going into depression

I really feel like i am going through a phase of depression.. I dont have peace of mind unless i am engaged in something. after office hours, engaging in something is not possible as a lot of memories flies past me... I really feel its time i visit a psychiatrist and get help or else i dont know..

Cant read a fiction.. not able to concentrate in studies too.. not interested in hitting gym.. not interested in playing table tennis.. actually these were some things i loved doing.. you know all that.. but now.. nothing excites me .. feels like i have lost everything in my life.. there is no one to talk all these too..

To some extent .. after you left.. ****** helped me to get through a rough phase. I am actually grateful to her for that.I ha gone this far only because she made me to vent out my desperation.I talked to her a bit freely and that actually helped. but that has stopped too ..... i cant blame her as she has her own set of problems. 

I have gone into a shell now without any outside world relationship. I never call anyone and nobody calls me too. Good thing about most of your so called friends is that.. you ignore their calls once or twice.... they wont bother again with you.. I have successfully tested that theory and found it effective. 

All these actually have increased the intensity of my feeling of depression .... i know that too. But i am not able to get out of it.and i really feel helpless.

Why am i like this?


Idiot

I Should have Resigned - Made a Mistake

I dont have words anymore ... Certain thoughts have started to come up in my mind and those thoughts are killing me. I dont know what to say..It seems almost like some part of my mind has still not accepted the fact that you are married.

I know its wrong.. but thats the truth..I didnt want to see you in a changed fashion in front of my eyes... thats the only reason i almost gave my resignation letter .. Fortunately the transfer offer came and i am still not sure whether i should have accepted that or not.. I wanted to move you from my inner mind and for that resigning was the only way out. But i almost went by the pressure exerted by the people around me( People who actually cared for me).and took the offer..... But what has happened is that every now and then i am kept reminded about you in some way or the other.

I really feel accepting the transfer offer was a mistake

I could even remember you asking me relentlessly not to resign.. but to take the transfer offer.. apparently you did not want me resigning to be there in your conscience. 

But my dear.. I have become a person with no defined personality.. unable to let go of my past life... thats what has happened..  I dont blame you anymore .. I should have stood by my decision to resign and start a new life. 

God knows how long i can go like this.. I had no issues in waiting for you years if there was some hope of you returning.. But this is just torture.. You will not understand it .

Yours

Idiot

Personal life vs Professional life - You know what I am talking about

Work is worship.. thats what I am trying to do now.. get fully involved in the work I do in the office  so that everything else is forgotten for sometime at least..Absolutely no loose talks .. no chitchats.. just work after work after work.. I have a feeling that it is working now because i am at peace for some time  and also the top management seems to be liking my over dedication to work as their work gets done faster.

But certain moments do arise everyday when I am forced to think about what I am actually now.. A person who has nothing worthwhile to think about.. a person who just couldn't hold on to what he wanted....Such moments bring me back to the reality of life.

I am not sure my dear, but I have a feeling that ******  is too busy these days. I had messaged her and even called her multiple times over the past one month to enquire about her daughter. She was busy with her daughters hospital visits then. Maybe she is still busy with that. But I dont know I have a feeling something else is amiss. I am not going to talk to her again about that anyways.. maybe it was just my stupid doubt.. ..as you always used to say whenever I tell you my silly doubts. I only hope her daughter is okay.

As you know I have stopped whatsapp altogether.. I had installed whatsapp only for you and it eventually ended with you.. I dont spend time on Facebook too these days. just 2- minutes of glance over the wall posts and I get bored .. I dont phone anyone now.. most of the time my phone is in switched off state.. completely away from everything.  I dont know what I am doing my dear.. but something or the other is forcing me to do like this..

As I have told you many times when you tell me how jealous you are about me professionally....."I maybe good in professional life but I am a failure in my personal life and you are my only hope of  changing that."

I lost that opportunity and here I am succumbing to failure.

Idiot

Harry Potter Memories - Good Memories are now Painful

Its not possible to forget you..... Everyday something or the other.. frankly I never ever knew how much I loved you until you left.. and that pain hasn't reduced a tiny bit ever since that day.

Today all I could think was about you.. I woke up in the morning today and had a glance at Facebook where I stumbled upon a post about Harry potter.. that was it.. the whole day got evaporated in a single instant as it brought me memories of  my First gift to you.. how you accepted it.. how I walked you down to the bus stop .. how happy I was then. 

Probably you have that entire series with you now.. ( DON'T YOU HAVE?)  .. I think you will be having it still in your drawer..

Those memories .. maybe the only good memories I will ever have in my lifetime ...was with me throughout the day today. ..  couldn't do any justice to the work I do even.. actually those good memories of mine was causing me immense pain inside.... 

A person who has lost everything that he ever wanted.. you will be able to surmise me in that one sentence.

Time will never win.. Time will never heal me too... . I Know that ..  you too knew that.. Knowing that how could you moved away from me?

were you really the person I loved?

Happy Birthday Vattulla Malakha

Never wanted to destroy your happiness today by wishing in the morning... It's interesting how things change from being the first wisher last year to the last wisher( Last wisher - if you reading this.... Or else.. it will be No wisher)  this year.. By the way you had another birthday this year too which maybe only I cared to looked up...

Happy Birthday and be happy always

Time will never heal me and I have accepted that idea.. But you will never understand that intensity. As you say., it was always my decision to continue everything.is it not?  

I am not going down that path now.. not today.. After all its your Birthday and I am happy 

Be happy  always and I am happy as I know you are happy. 

Idiot

Happy Valentines Day My Dear

Happy Valentines Day

From a nervous young man afraid of telling his feelings to the girl he loved fearing how she would react.. to the happiest person in the world enjoying the valentines day talking endlessly for hours at night until someone ant hold on any longer...... to the saddest person who is stuck in the past the moment the girl left him.... thats three years of valentines day for me...

You were part of all the three.. Maybe only you will be part of the every such day to come in the future..

Badly wanted to talk to you.. wanted to hear you voice... I didn't need anything more ....but how could I ?

Life is really cruel

My dear......I really loved you and I will love you still .. But the pain and desperation that i feel now is not because i loved you.. but because you told me that you loved me back , i felt how good it is being in love with you..

Frankly if you had never told me back that you too loved me .. then I would not have felt this much pain.. it would have vanished..  My dear.. I know there is no coming back from anything.. and these letters of mine are all for nothing.. But I dont care.. as long as I care about you.. .. I will keep jotting down things that come to my mind.

Maybe you will understand one day how much I loved you. God knows that................

Anyways Happy Valentines day to you

Idiot

The World wants to Transfer her to My Office room Again

It was interesting to hear someone sitting near me in my office ask me how you are.. how is your character etc. etc. .. Everything is because he talked to you over phone and it just so suited that the present officer at ***  is getting married and wants a transfer herself.

It was like pouring salt to the already clotted wound to make it worse. Words escaped me actually and i felt for a second i might burst out. i was saved by a call from my head.

I know that you want a transfer to ******* and they want you to come here. Everyone is happy except me. I dont have more places to run away. Why am i like this? Every time the thought comes to my mind, the pain is literally killing me .You will never understand what i am talking about because you should try loving someone else more than yourself to understand that.

I dont know what to say. I dont expect anything from you but the fact is even after understanding you threw me away like a pile of used paper, i dont hate you still..

I have a feeling all this will end with me being in the psychiatric ward..

Idiot

Her life Preferences has changed - I am Standing in her Way Now

Be happy always

I know that you are happy and doing well and that's actually something to take away from everything. In the end, life is all about choices and you did pick the right one. Kudos to that..

The only reason you are reading this is because I have come to know that your preferences have changed too.. Parents have become second fiddle... And now I am standing as an obstacle in your face all the while you are thinking about moving to *******.

Just wanted to say.. I will do what I can.. It's time for me to make some harsh choices to get out of this and once I do that.. There won't be the idiot hindering your path to ********.

I believe I have always done what I can without thinking how those decisions might affect my life.. But actually thinking how it might affect the life of the people I care about.. I have lost everything... But there is happiness in knowing that the people you care about are happy....

****** , ****** , ***** everyone got the change in their professional career because of just one thing - me moving out of that...

I know that you wanted me out of your life and that you were jus too polite to not say that... It's painful still .. But all that matters is that you are doing absolutely fine.. That's good

Now the entire point of this exercise was not to dump my thoughts on you... It was just to say that I will do what I can so that you can move to ******* without any obstacles whatsoever from anyone... 

I Know you have changed... and that you just dont value anything you just read

Be happy always