I Should try to Make Pain my new Best Friend

To feel pain is natural, but to make it something that ruins your life long after the event has taken place is totally unnatural. 

I am trying to follow this method now.. I cant relieve myself of the pain you have given me however hard I try.. But I should choose not to suffer.. As they say.. to suffer or not is optional and it is time I start doing things that I like..

I should try to feel the pain, learn  and try to improve myself a lot.Yes.. my dear.. Past is past. you choose someone else over me.. and I have to accept that.. I have to live with that.... Whether the pain goes off from me is something else.. I will learn to live with the pain..

I should try to make that pain my new best friend and rely on him to do miraculous things that i have never done.. I am going to try that my dear.. And the depth of the pain inside me will decide how deep rooted the relationship was inside me.. 

Let me try it out..

Idiot

One day you will realize the depth of what you had done

One day you will realize the depth of what you had done.

A lot of times during the day i go through rough phases and i extremely try to move on reading a lot of motivational quotes. This one I could really relate to.. The fact that you never realized my value.. my dedication to you all the while and the unrelenting sincerity i had ..

You never did as a matter of fact... But played me to suit your happiness... replied to every one of my messages when you needed me... Stopped suddenly when it did not suit you anymore.. 

I dont blame you anyway... As you say,.. it was always my decision to go ahead with the affair ... not yours. .. How were you able to defend yourself like that in front of everyone..?

But my dear.. God is there in this world.. He will make sure you realize the value of me one day.. Of course.. I am not saying that life would be perfect if we were together... it will never have been.. But it would be magic if we could have faced those issues together as we dreamt about the entire time in your life.

Be happy

Idiot

I Should have given you More Space in your Life

When I thought for a bit about what I did wring with you.. I understood a big mistake I did.. I came after you even after the breakup

It was because I valued the relationship and didn't want to miss you for life.. Now I know better.. I shouldn't have come after you like all guns blazing.. I should have left you like I never knew you.. One of our mutual friends had told me once that you had never understood what it is to live without me during our relationship.That I was readily available to you whenever you wanted me always. I didn't give much importance to that then.. But now I know better..

Of course you might never have come after me like I did .. because you had by then someone else to talk to while I stay away from you.. You just wanted someone .. it looks like that..

I always followed one principle which I had preached to you multiple times...being one... 2 bodies .. single mind..I believed that when I try to give 100% to you based on that.. you would have done the same with me too.. But it didn't seem like that.. did it? You proved me wrong even though you told me again and again that thats how love should be...

I understand better what happened in those days with me... My long text messages to you.. telling you how angry i am... telling you how desperately i want you.... All these... I should never have done. I should have left you alone and given you space.. I did all that because in my mind there was no such space or gap.. it was .. being one.. and i believed it was the same with you.. I was wrong

It is too late for any realizations ..Better late than never though.. Sorry for my constant pestering in those days .. I didn't realize that you had changed..

I am taking away one thing from this email to you.. I understood that... Being one.. is just a theory.. In real life.. you should give everyone their space...

Idiot

How To Stop Thinking About You (Forget the Girl You Love)

Was trying to find motivational videos to get you out of your mind and I actually liked this video. Specially one thing that he said striked me .. Why do i feel sad when i think about you?  Because i believe that if you were there with me now.. I would have been much more happier..

Its true actually. .. When i think more about it.. I really feel indirectly that i am not happy now because you are not with me and i feel i would have been if you were with me.. Do you think it would be true? Frankly i dont know what you will be thinking now.. because you have changed a lot.. or perhaps i never knew you .. 

But I really believe that i would have been more happier and more perfect if you were there with me.. Actually in the video that guy asks me to think different. to try to think myself that it would not be true.. that anything could have happened.. that you would have become different person after marriage. maybe. that our life would never have been a happy affair..

But who knows.. we didnt really try it did we?

Now how do i make my mind believe that you were the worst thing that could have happened to me in my life? Thats the question that remains..

I need to make an effort though.. One thing he said in the video is pitch perfect.. .. I dont miss you when i am totally involved in some work,, I have really felt it to be true for a longtime now..

So Maybe.. I should try his technique too.. Whats wrong in trying.. here I go then.. telling myself repeatedly that I might not have been happier even if you were here with me now..

I dont have any intention of getting you back or anything like that

I want to make myself clear .. These emails which I am writing to you are in no way aimed at coming after you again.. That stage had passed long time back the moment you said yes to another guy in the church... These are just musings to keep myself sane ..After all I too must speak out my mind.

Of course on a bad day or two..I had messaged you .. It was when I lost my sanity and I was on the verge of doing something stupid..I regret that even now.. Not because as you told.. ****** Madam, your husband might have seen it.. But because  I know myself its not the right thing to do.. Actually I hate a girl who is afraid of her husband seeing a message from her ex..

I dont have any regrets about our relationship ..Nor do I have any feeling that I cheated you.. I was true to you all through the relationship.. You can even recollect that I completely stopped talking to ******** when you didn't like it.. All I cared was you.. But.........

Thats past... and as I said.. I dont want to cause any sort of dent in the life that you have now,.. you decided to leave me like this.. I did come after you asking for second chances to talk to your father after I had issues at my home sorted out..But you had changed entirely by then within a span of a week or two..... how can you change like that easily ? I am still not able to find an answer to that question.. 

Of course its my mistake .. that I was undone by your father when he actually cried telling me not to destroy his family.. you know what.. I cried that whole night after I told your father I wont come after you.. But I did not realize the depth our relationship had in my heart...It took some days to register that loss.....Of course its my mistake that I broke down talking to your father.. Thats the one thing I have to live with myself for the whole of my lifetime.. Me.. A person who cant even stay strong in front of his girlfriends father and tell him sternly ... 

Once again let me make it clear.. I dont have any intention of getting you back or anything like that.. you are happy in your life now..  stay happy like that.. ... But I dont know what my life will be .. 

BE HAPPY ALWAYS

Idiot

I was just a fool all the way

Getting depressed too many times a day specially when  there is no office.. At office when you try to involve fully in the work. its a relief.. But not on Holidays.. I keep thinking about you again and again and again.

With the success I had in driving everyone out of my life.. its a lonely zone .. Funny is it not.. The way I made my friends enemies because I had no time for them .. I spent time with you more than that was required.. Trying to get involved in every second of your life in whatever way I can.. During those times when anyone else calls or messages.. I used to get angry.... In a way not messaging my friends back.. not returning their calls  etc. has taken its toll.. I am completely out of their life..

I completely relied on you my dear.. thats the mistake I did.. I can remember that I used to get angry with you saying you are not showing the kind of commitment I make to you.. You used to say to me.. you will .. and that you need just some more time.. I was ready to wait.. any number of years.. Only that you too should have waited.

I was never there in your scheme of things .. is it not? I was just a passing fancy .. a person with whom you can spend sometime with and then move on with a better guy whom your family chooses.. .. I was just a fool all the way..

You shouldn't have done that.. You shouldn't have told me back that you loved me.................

Idiot

WHEN YOU LOSE SOMETHING IMPORTANT.. YOU LOSE EVERYTHING AFTER THAT

Yesterday discussions were going on inside **** sirs room which is right next to my seat about the possible replacements to ***.    It seems they are taking up new guys to plug the gap in the ***** *******  since ****** has resigned and ****** is also going to resign. For a second I was thinking if I had been there.... I could have been the ***** ******.. Something which I really wanted to do in my life...

Its like they say.. WHEN YOU LOSE SOMETHING IMPORTANT.. YOU LOSE EVERYTHING AFTER THAT .....

It is a big loss professionally and I know that. Even leaving the ***** ****** ****** position was indeed a loss too..All these thoughts come to the fore when I think about the list of things I have lost in the Last one years time.

Of course.. Everyone except you didn't want me to leave the post..But since you rejected the offer to move out.. I had to take the decision to move out myself.You would have no problem working in the same office with me even after your marriage.. But I am not like that.. Also you never understood that you yourself made me so involved in your activities which made it extremely hard for me to anything else .We had discussed everything in your life.. everything . ..That deepness is taking its toll on me now... Even now I am not able to find the rhythm to live happily...

I should have sticked on with my initial decision to resign ..because then I wouldn't have to hear all these conversation which hits me hard in my heart. I was actually surprised a few months back when I heard that now you want to come to the place where I work and that because of me you are not able to put up a transfer request... I kept thinking for a lot of time .. how could someone think like that even...You had always told me my dear that because of you nobody should get hurt.... But your activities have caused me immense pain in many number of cases.. Not just this instance.. a lot of instances...But as they say.. In love ..everything is okay....I left those instances without even raising it to you....

Someone I do not wish to name in our office told me after your marriage that you are the most selfish person you can ever see .... How easily you were talking with ****** when you needed some help even after your issues with him... that person told me that you would just do the same with me.. That you just want your life to be easy safe and happy.... I didn't object anything to what that person said.. even now thinking about it I think there is no point in objecting it....

You know what.. thinking all these.. I do feel immense pain in my heart and my eyes are wet.. But Something inside still keeps telling me that you had to do it.. that you had no choice...IS IT?

I am in deep shit and Just keeping myself alive for the sake of my Parents.. There is nothing to live for in my life except that.. Nothing happy to think about...

Idiot

Life is bigger than Love and Marriage

What is the meaning of Life? Everyone seems to be going around everything as usual .. everyone getting tensed over small small things .. But when you just think about the end purpose of life ...its all for nothing.. 

In the end what do you take away from your life? What did you do which you can proudly say that you have given back to the society? Apart from getting married ..looking after kids...seeing them getting married.. what is the purpose of life?

Thinking further.. Me getting sad about you leaving me is just childish .. of course its true that From my heart i still haven't been able to move on in life.. But Life is bigger than that.. Bigger than a Love Failure.. Bigger than a Marriage.. 

There are other things to do in Life . I am stopping my efforts to Move you out .. I will try hard to make an effort to move on... Let me stay the same in my heart and try to do other things.. Something more important .. Something that will define the true purpose of my life.

Love .... Marriage ..... Routine life.... Those things should take a backseat .. There are other things to do in Life.

Idiot

My Life Has Got Stuck

****** after resigning came to Head office today and he in turn came to meet me. It seems that he had tried to call me but my phone was switched off.But still he found my office and came and met me.

It was nice to see him But as usual I lost control over myself.How do I solve this? It seems with each passing day I am going deeper and deeper into a hole of no return.That heaviness inside heart which  I used to talk about is still there.

The fact that he knows about our issue might be the reason for my undoing. I am OK when talking to unknown people or to people who doesn't know about issue.Some days back when ******  called me regarding some issue from his office also, I felt the same.

I am really struggling in life and I am not at all able to move forward. Sometimes I really feel nothing should have happened between us..although I still dont regret it.. I did the right thing in telling you my feelings .. But.. there are a lot of regrets too...

For you.. LIFE MUST GO ON... for me.. LIFE HAS GOT STUCK..

Idiot

Small Incidents Makes Me Sad

Was entirely isolated as usual from everything during office hours.. Mobile switched off.. Not thinking about anything except work... that exercise was working actually and I was getting real peace of mind .  Peace of mind because I was not thinking about anything else.

In the evening though.. today . an email came from net banking  with regard to one of the work I was doing and I saw  ***** madam name in that. The reply was really ambiguous that I had to call her.. I switched on my phone and called her.. she replied the answer and the work was done.. but I felt some urgency in her voice to finish the talk with me.. maybe it was because of her work pressure.. but that single thought brought me back to my real life situations..

It is entirely my fault as no one else can control my thought process except me and I should be able to make sure such situations doesn't undo my mood ..But I couldn't ...In fact I am allowing myself to get dejected in a way unknowingly..

When such issues happens... ( Such issues normally will happen again and again as long as I am working in the same  establishment as you)  .. my heart becomes heavier.. I dont know the psychology behind that.. but even now I am feeling that heaviness inside me.....

How do I change all that ? I dont know.. 

Idiot

Maturity is Smiling when the pain burns inside you

I have been looking at what I have lost in my life and how unfortunate I am till now.. But it's time I should think about the broader scenario of the world.. Am I the only person who has lost the love he entirely believed in....?... I don't think so.. 

There are lots of people in the world who have higher dimensions of misfortune than me.. I know that and I have to keep reminding myself that.. 

Of course what I have lost is lost.. There is no denying that.. And at the same time there is no point in discussing that too... 

Someone indirectly reminded me today that maturity is smiling when the pain burns inside you.. And I agree with him.. 

Instead of thinking how you can do things without even considering a thought... I should accept that you have done that.. Accept that maybe situations forced you.. Accept that you did the right thing in your life. 

Let me keep reading this post again and again and again and again......... 

Idiot 

I am always alone in my life

I had told you naa there seems to be some issue with ****** madam not talking to me.. I think its correct.. I had sent a message to her once again and still she had not replied back or called.. knowing her i know she would have if she wanted to no matter what...

There must be some reason .. something which caused her to stop talking to me.. I dont know what wrong i have done.. With this the only person i talked to about our affair has also stopped contact with me.

Life seems to be getting more and more tough and difficult.. She had asked me a lot of times to try hard to get rid of you from my mind. Even though i didn't succeed in that,i could keep such thoughts at bay to some extent.But now.. 

In another way.. this is good too.. because i need to face the reality that i am alone in my life and need to face the issues alone.

Let me face the reality..   Nobody cares for me....I will be alone my whole life...

Idiot