I Should try to Make Pain my new Best Friend

To feel pain is natural, but to make it something that ruins your life long after the event has taken place is totally unnatural. 

I am trying to follow this method now.. I cant relieve myself of the pain you have given me however hard I try.. But I should choose not to suffer.. As they say.. to suffer or not is optional and it is time I start doing things that I like..

I should try to feel the pain, learn  and try to improve myself a lot.Yes.. my dear.. Past is past. you choose someone else over me.. and I have to accept that.. I have to live with that.... Whether the pain goes off from me is something else.. I will learn to live with the pain..

I should try to make that pain my new best friend and rely on him to do miraculous things that i have never done.. I am going to try that my dear.. And the depth of the pain inside me will decide how deep rooted the relationship was inside me.. 

Let me try it out..

Idiot

One day you will realize the depth of what you had done

One day you will realize the depth of what you had done.

A lot of times during the day i go through rough phases and i extremely try to move on reading a lot of motivational quotes. This one I could really relate to.. The fact that you never realized my value.. my dedication to you all the while and the unrelenting sincerity i had ..

You never did as a matter of fact... But played me to suit your happiness... replied to every one of my messages when you needed me... Stopped suddenly when it did not suit you anymore.. 

I dont blame you anyway... As you say,.. it was always my decision to go ahead with the affair ... not yours. .. How were you able to defend yourself like that in front of everyone..?

But my dear.. God is there in this world.. He will make sure you realize the value of me one day.. Of course.. I am not saying that life would be perfect if we were together... it will never have been.. But it would be magic if we could have faced those issues together as we dreamt about the entire time in your life.

Be happy

Idiot

I Should have given you More Space in your Life

When I thought for a bit about what I did wring with you.. I understood a big mistake I did.. I came after you even after the breakup

It was because I valued the relationship and didn't want to miss you for life.. Now I know better.. I shouldn't have come after you like all guns blazing.. I should have left you like I never knew you.. One of our mutual friends had told me once that you had never understood what it is to live without me during our relationship.That I was readily available to you whenever you wanted me always. I didn't give much importance to that then.. But now I know better..

Of course you might never have come after me like I did .. because you had by then someone else to talk to while I stay away from you.. You just wanted someone .. it looks like that..

I always followed one principle which I had preached to you multiple times...being one... 2 bodies .. single mind..I believed that when I try to give 100% to you based on that.. you would have done the same with me too.. But it didn't seem like that.. did it? You proved me wrong even though you told me again and again that thats how love should be...

I understand better what happened in those days with me... My long text messages to you.. telling you how angry i am... telling you how desperately i want you.... All these... I should never have done. I should have left you alone and given you space.. I did all that because in my mind there was no such space or gap.. it was .. being one.. and i believed it was the same with you.. I was wrong

It is too late for any realizations ..Better late than never though.. Sorry for my constant pestering in those days .. I didn't realize that you had changed..

I am taking away one thing from this email to you.. I understood that... Being one.. is just a theory.. In real life.. you should give everyone their space...

Idiot

How To Stop Thinking About You (Forget the Girl You Love)

Was trying to find motivational videos to get you out of your mind and I actually liked this video. Specially one thing that he said striked me .. Why do i feel sad when i think about you?  Because i believe that if you were there with me now.. I would have been much more happier..

Its true actually. .. When i think more about it.. I really feel indirectly that i am not happy now because you are not with me and i feel i would have been if you were with me.. Do you think it would be true? Frankly i dont know what you will be thinking now.. because you have changed a lot.. or perhaps i never knew you .. 

But I really believe that i would have been more happier and more perfect if you were there with me.. Actually in the video that guy asks me to think different. to try to think myself that it would not be true.. that anything could have happened.. that you would have become different person after marriage. maybe. that our life would never have been a happy affair..

But who knows.. we didnt really try it did we?

Now how do i make my mind believe that you were the worst thing that could have happened to me in my life? Thats the question that remains..

I need to make an effort though.. One thing he said in the video is pitch perfect.. .. I dont miss you when i am totally involved in some work,, I have really felt it to be true for a longtime now..

So Maybe.. I should try his technique too.. Whats wrong in trying.. here I go then.. telling myself repeatedly that I might not have been happier even if you were here with me now..

I dont have any intention of getting you back or anything like that

I want to make myself clear .. These emails which I am writing to you are in no way aimed at coming after you again.. That stage had passed long time back the moment you said yes to another guy in the church... These are just musings to keep myself sane ..After all I too must speak out my mind.

Of course on a bad day or two..I had messaged you .. It was when I lost my sanity and I was on the verge of doing something stupid..I regret that even now.. Not because as you told.. ****** Madam, your husband might have seen it.. But because  I know myself its not the right thing to do.. Actually I hate a girl who is afraid of her husband seeing a message from her ex..

I dont have any regrets about our relationship ..Nor do I have any feeling that I cheated you.. I was true to you all through the relationship.. You can even recollect that I completely stopped talking to ******** when you didn't like it.. All I cared was you.. But.........

Thats past... and as I said.. I dont want to cause any sort of dent in the life that you have now,.. you decided to leave me like this.. I did come after you asking for second chances to talk to your father after I had issues at my home sorted out..But you had changed entirely by then within a span of a week or two..... how can you change like that easily ? I am still not able to find an answer to that question.. 

Of course its my mistake .. that I was undone by your father when he actually cried telling me not to destroy his family.. you know what.. I cried that whole night after I told your father I wont come after you.. But I did not realize the depth our relationship had in my heart...It took some days to register that loss.....Of course its my mistake that I broke down talking to your father.. Thats the one thing I have to live with myself for the whole of my lifetime.. Me.. A person who cant even stay strong in front of his girlfriends father and tell him sternly ... 

Once again let me make it clear.. I dont have any intention of getting you back or anything like that.. you are happy in your life now..  stay happy like that.. ... But I dont know what my life will be .. 

BE HAPPY ALWAYS

Idiot

I was just a fool all the way

Getting depressed too many times a day specially when  there is no office.. At office when you try to involve fully in the work. its a relief.. But not on Holidays.. I keep thinking about you again and again and again.

With the success I had in driving everyone out of my life.. its a lonely zone .. Funny is it not.. The way I made my friends enemies because I had no time for them .. I spent time with you more than that was required.. Trying to get involved in every second of your life in whatever way I can.. During those times when anyone else calls or messages.. I used to get angry.... In a way not messaging my friends back.. not returning their calls  etc. has taken its toll.. I am completely out of their life..

I completely relied on you my dear.. thats the mistake I did.. I can remember that I used to get angry with you saying you are not showing the kind of commitment I make to you.. You used to say to me.. you will .. and that you need just some more time.. I was ready to wait.. any number of years.. Only that you too should have waited.

I was never there in your scheme of things .. is it not? I was just a passing fancy .. a person with whom you can spend sometime with and then move on with a better guy whom your family chooses.. .. I was just a fool all the way..

You shouldn't have done that.. You shouldn't have told me back that you loved me.................

Idiot

WHEN YOU LOSE SOMETHING IMPORTANT.. YOU LOSE EVERYTHING AFTER THAT

Yesterday discussions were going on inside **** sirs room which is right next to my seat about the possible replacements to ***.    It seems they are taking up new guys to plug the gap in the ***** *******  since ****** has resigned and ****** is also going to resign. For a second I was thinking if I had been there.... I could have been the ***** ******.. Something which I really wanted to do in my life...

Its like they say.. WHEN YOU LOSE SOMETHING IMPORTANT.. YOU LOSE EVERYTHING AFTER THAT .....

It is a big loss professionally and I know that. Even leaving the ***** ****** ****** position was indeed a loss too..All these thoughts come to the fore when I think about the list of things I have lost in the Last one years time.

Of course.. Everyone except you didn't want me to leave the post..But since you rejected the offer to move out.. I had to take the decision to move out myself.You would have no problem working in the same office with me even after your marriage.. But I am not like that.. Also you never understood that you yourself made me so involved in your activities which made it extremely hard for me to anything else .We had discussed everything in your life.. everything . ..That deepness is taking its toll on me now... Even now I am not able to find the rhythm to live happily...

I should have sticked on with my initial decision to resign ..because then I wouldn't have to hear all these conversation which hits me hard in my heart. I was actually surprised a few months back when I heard that now you want to come to the place where I work and that because of me you are not able to put up a transfer request... I kept thinking for a lot of time .. how could someone think like that even...You had always told me my dear that because of you nobody should get hurt.... But your activities have caused me immense pain in many number of cases.. Not just this instance.. a lot of instances...But as they say.. In love ..everything is okay....I left those instances without even raising it to you....

Someone I do not wish to name in our office told me after your marriage that you are the most selfish person you can ever see .... How easily you were talking with ****** when you needed some help even after your issues with him... that person told me that you would just do the same with me.. That you just want your life to be easy safe and happy.... I didn't object anything to what that person said.. even now thinking about it I think there is no point in objecting it....

You know what.. thinking all these.. I do feel immense pain in my heart and my eyes are wet.. But Something inside still keeps telling me that you had to do it.. that you had no choice...IS IT?

I am in deep shit and Just keeping myself alive for the sake of my Parents.. There is nothing to live for in my life except that.. Nothing happy to think about...

Idiot

Life is bigger than Love and Marriage

What is the meaning of Life? Everyone seems to be going around everything as usual .. everyone getting tensed over small small things .. But when you just think about the end purpose of life ...its all for nothing.. 

In the end what do you take away from your life? What did you do which you can proudly say that you have given back to the society? Apart from getting married ..looking after kids...seeing them getting married.. what is the purpose of life?

Thinking further.. Me getting sad about you leaving me is just childish .. of course its true that From my heart i still haven't been able to move on in life.. But Life is bigger than that.. Bigger than a Love Failure.. Bigger than a Marriage.. 

There are other things to do in Life . I am stopping my efforts to Move you out .. I will try hard to make an effort to move on... Let me stay the same in my heart and try to do other things.. Something more important .. Something that will define the true purpose of my life.

Love .... Marriage ..... Routine life.... Those things should take a backseat .. There are other things to do in Life.

Idiot

My Life Has Got Stuck

****** after resigning came to Head office today and he in turn came to meet me. It seems that he had tried to call me but my phone was switched off.But still he found my office and came and met me.

It was nice to see him But as usual I lost control over myself.How do I solve this? It seems with each passing day I am going deeper and deeper into a hole of no return.That heaviness inside heart which  I used to talk about is still there.

The fact that he knows about our issue might be the reason for my undoing. I am OK when talking to unknown people or to people who doesn't know about issue.Some days back when ******  called me regarding some issue from his office also, I felt the same.

I am really struggling in life and I am not at all able to move forward. Sometimes I really feel nothing should have happened between us..although I still dont regret it.. I did the right thing in telling you my feelings .. But.. there are a lot of regrets too...

For you.. LIFE MUST GO ON... for me.. LIFE HAS GOT STUCK..

Idiot

Small Incidents Makes Me Sad

Was entirely isolated as usual from everything during office hours.. Mobile switched off.. Not thinking about anything except work... that exercise was working actually and I was getting real peace of mind .  Peace of mind because I was not thinking about anything else.

In the evening though.. today . an email came from net banking  with regard to one of the work I was doing and I saw  ***** madam name in that. The reply was really ambiguous that I had to call her.. I switched on my phone and called her.. she replied the answer and the work was done.. but I felt some urgency in her voice to finish the talk with me.. maybe it was because of her work pressure.. but that single thought brought me back to my real life situations..

It is entirely my fault as no one else can control my thought process except me and I should be able to make sure such situations doesn't undo my mood ..But I couldn't ...In fact I am allowing myself to get dejected in a way unknowingly..

When such issues happens... ( Such issues normally will happen again and again as long as I am working in the same  establishment as you)  .. my heart becomes heavier.. I dont know the psychology behind that.. but even now I am feeling that heaviness inside me.....

How do I change all that ? I dont know.. 

Idiot

Maturity is Smiling when the pain burns inside you

I have been looking at what I have lost in my life and how unfortunate I am till now.. But it's time I should think about the broader scenario of the world.. Am I the only person who has lost the love he entirely believed in....?... I don't think so.. 

There are lots of people in the world who have higher dimensions of misfortune than me.. I know that and I have to keep reminding myself that.. 

Of course what I have lost is lost.. There is no denying that.. And at the same time there is no point in discussing that too... 

Someone indirectly reminded me today that maturity is smiling when the pain burns inside you.. And I agree with him.. 

Instead of thinking how you can do things without even considering a thought... I should accept that you have done that.. Accept that maybe situations forced you.. Accept that you did the right thing in your life. 

Let me keep reading this post again and again and again and again......... 

Idiot 

I am always alone in my life

I had told you naa there seems to be some issue with ****** madam not talking to me.. I think its correct.. I had sent a message to her once again and still she had not replied back or called.. knowing her i know she would have if she wanted to no matter what...

There must be some reason .. something which caused her to stop talking to me.. I dont know what wrong i have done.. With this the only person i talked to about our affair has also stopped contact with me.

Life seems to be getting more and more tough and difficult.. She had asked me a lot of times to try hard to get rid of you from my mind. Even though i didn't succeed in that,i could keep such thoughts at bay to some extent.But now.. 

In another way.. this is good too.. because i need to face the reality that i am alone in my life and need to face the issues alone.

Let me face the reality..   Nobody cares for me....I will be alone my whole life...

Idiot

There is no logic behind True Love

Too much pressure is coming on me now... everyone wants to get me married even though I have told them I cant do it now.

Every time something like that is asked to me. all that I have is a sense of guiltiness thinking about you. soon the reality strikes and that guilty feeling turns into desperation, hate and helplessness.I become numb in front of others and life becomes hell..

Torture ... thats the perfect word that you can use for the situation you have left me with...

I keep asking myself .. why do I think like this about a girl who celebrated her marriage distributing sweets in the office while I was present in the office and then said sorry to me.. I dont know.. just want to ask you my dear..what kind of a heart do you have?

You will have explanations for everything as usual... But you should have been in my position that day to really feel the pain

Whatever it is.. I still cared for you even after that.. I still couldn't understand the logic behind that.. Maybe there is no logic after all... 

Idiot

Love Should never be an obsession

Love is not an obsession.

I  Myself have thought for a lot of time whether what I am going through these days or what i am doing now will count as obsession or not? But I know for sure for now that its not obsession i have .. it is just the repercussions of love.. because you did mean a lot to me and i cant get over you ..

For sometime I was under obsession too. even after your marriage I messaged you a few times when the obsession part in me took over .. I am completely at peace with that now and I am happy actually that you are happy .. but I am not happy that you are not enjoying that happiness with me..

As I have promised I will never stand in your way.. you choose someone else over me ,, and you are happy now.. what does that mean? it means  you never required me .. you were self reliant.. it was me who required you and I should have hold on to you..  But at that time i had thought that love should be from both sides and you too should show some intent that you need me.,. you never  did that .....even though I had literally begged you to give me a second chance to convince your father.. I am not sure that would have gone well .. but i was ready to try.. i was completely taken back by your father who  suddenly started to beg me not to destroy his family.. i am not a hard hearted person not to think that and tell him I want to marry your daughter still..

Now that I think about all that.. I believe that had you given me a second chance to talk to him.. I could have found a way for us to be together.. of course you needed to show some intent too..

Frankly. I never thought you leaving me will affect me this much.. what i am feeling now and experiencing now is beyond the imagination of what I could have ever dreamt of..

And my dear.. this is not obsession.. this is just the other side of love.. the pain..

I wont come in your life.. and I dont want it as long as you are happy with whoever it is. I will just find a way to live like this day by day.. until the next birth..............

Idiot

Loneliness - You are always alone in your life

Loneliness..
How are you able to not think about me ? I cant understand how it is possible. I believed that you I am really feeling the impact of that inside me.. I keep thinking about conversations .. just cant get rid of those thoughts...

Today was a holiday and that made things worse. if office was there.. at least that much time would have been lost. At home when i am alone.. all sorts of ideas comes to my mind and believe me my dear.. you are part of each thought that i have.
 loved me ... We even behaved as husband and wife for a lot of time during our time together.... Our games .. stories we have made up....Then how were you able to move away from me ?

If you knew how to move away, you should have taught me that.. you should never have left me like this.. do you remember... you even injected  hope inside me a week before your marriage chatting with me the whole day. I still remember every bit of what you were  doing that day.. your visit to the eye doctor.. papa dropping you.. huge rush at the clinic .. you going back by auto... chats we had about the harshness of life.. you asking me to message you whenever i want........ I remember every minute of that day.

My dear.. now looking back I feel you should not have done all that.. you must have been trying to soften me from doing anything stupid.. but such things that you have done is haunting me now.....

and you know something my dear... I am still crying as I type this...

Idiot

I think I am going into depression

I really feel like i am going through a phase of depression.. I dont have peace of mind unless i am engaged in something. after office hours, engaging in something is not possible as a lot of memories flies past me... I really feel its time i visit a psychiatrist and get help or else i dont know..

Cant read a fiction.. not able to concentrate in studies too.. not interested in hitting gym.. not interested in playing table tennis.. actually these were some things i loved doing.. you know all that.. but now.. nothing excites me .. feels like i have lost everything in my life.. there is no one to talk all these too..

To some extent .. after you left.. ****** helped me to get through a rough phase. I am actually grateful to her for that.I ha gone this far only because she made me to vent out my desperation.I talked to her a bit freely and that actually helped. but that has stopped too ..... i cant blame her as she has her own set of problems. 

I have gone into a shell now without any outside world relationship. I never call anyone and nobody calls me too. Good thing about most of your so called friends is that.. you ignore their calls once or twice.... they wont bother again with you.. I have successfully tested that theory and found it effective. 

All these actually have increased the intensity of my feeling of depression .... i know that too. But i am not able to get out of it.and i really feel helpless.

Why am i like this?


Idiot

I Should have Resigned - Made a Mistake

I dont have words anymore ... Certain thoughts have started to come up in my mind and those thoughts are killing me. I dont know what to say..It seems almost like some part of my mind has still not accepted the fact that you are married.

I know its wrong.. but thats the truth..I didnt want to see you in a changed fashion in front of my eyes... thats the only reason i almost gave my resignation letter .. Fortunately the transfer offer came and i am still not sure whether i should have accepted that or not.. I wanted to move you from my inner mind and for that resigning was the only way out. But i almost went by the pressure exerted by the people around me( People who actually cared for me).and took the offer..... But what has happened is that every now and then i am kept reminded about you in some way or the other.

I really feel accepting the transfer offer was a mistake

I could even remember you asking me relentlessly not to resign.. but to take the transfer offer.. apparently you did not want me resigning to be there in your conscience. 

But my dear.. I have become a person with no defined personality.. unable to let go of my past life... thats what has happened..  I dont blame you anymore .. I should have stood by my decision to resign and start a new life. 

God knows how long i can go like this.. I had no issues in waiting for you years if there was some hope of you returning.. But this is just torture.. You will not understand it .

Yours

Idiot

Personal life vs Professional life - You know what I am talking about

Work is worship.. thats what I am trying to do now.. get fully involved in the work I do in the office  so that everything else is forgotten for sometime at least..Absolutely no loose talks .. no chitchats.. just work after work after work.. I have a feeling that it is working now because i am at peace for some time  and also the top management seems to be liking my over dedication to work as their work gets done faster.

But certain moments do arise everyday when I am forced to think about what I am actually now.. A person who has nothing worthwhile to think about.. a person who just couldn't hold on to what he wanted....Such moments bring me back to the reality of life.

I am not sure my dear, but I have a feeling that ******  is too busy these days. I had messaged her and even called her multiple times over the past one month to enquire about her daughter. She was busy with her daughters hospital visits then. Maybe she is still busy with that. But I dont know I have a feeling something else is amiss. I am not going to talk to her again about that anyways.. maybe it was just my stupid doubt.. ..as you always used to say whenever I tell you my silly doubts. I only hope her daughter is okay.

As you know I have stopped whatsapp altogether.. I had installed whatsapp only for you and it eventually ended with you.. I dont spend time on Facebook too these days. just 2- minutes of glance over the wall posts and I get bored .. I dont phone anyone now.. most of the time my phone is in switched off state.. completely away from everything.  I dont know what I am doing my dear.. but something or the other is forcing me to do like this..

As I have told you many times when you tell me how jealous you are about me professionally....."I maybe good in professional life but I am a failure in my personal life and you are my only hope of  changing that."

I lost that opportunity and here I am succumbing to failure.

Idiot

Harry Potter Memories - Good Memories are now Painful

Its not possible to forget you..... Everyday something or the other.. frankly I never ever knew how much I loved you until you left.. and that pain hasn't reduced a tiny bit ever since that day.

Today all I could think was about you.. I woke up in the morning today and had a glance at Facebook where I stumbled upon a post about Harry potter.. that was it.. the whole day got evaporated in a single instant as it brought me memories of  my First gift to you.. how you accepted it.. how I walked you down to the bus stop .. how happy I was then. 

Probably you have that entire series with you now.. ( DON'T YOU HAVE?)  .. I think you will be having it still in your drawer..

Those memories .. maybe the only good memories I will ever have in my lifetime ...was with me throughout the day today. ..  couldn't do any justice to the work I do even.. actually those good memories of mine was causing me immense pain inside.... 

A person who has lost everything that he ever wanted.. you will be able to surmise me in that one sentence.

Time will never win.. Time will never heal me too... . I Know that ..  you too knew that.. Knowing that how could you moved away from me?

were you really the person I loved?

Happy Birthday Vattulla Malakha

Never wanted to destroy your happiness today by wishing in the morning... It's interesting how things change from being the first wisher last year to the last wisher( Last wisher - if you reading this.... Or else.. it will be No wisher)  this year.. By the way you had another birthday this year too which maybe only I cared to looked up...

Happy Birthday and be happy always

Time will never heal me and I have accepted that idea.. But you will never understand that intensity. As you say., it was always my decision to continue everything.is it not?  

I am not going down that path now.. not today.. After all its your Birthday and I am happy 

Be happy  always and I am happy as I know you are happy. 

Idiot

Happy Valentines Day My Dear

Happy Valentines Day

From a nervous young man afraid of telling his feelings to the girl he loved fearing how she would react.. to the happiest person in the world enjoying the valentines day talking endlessly for hours at night until someone ant hold on any longer...... to the saddest person who is stuck in the past the moment the girl left him.... thats three years of valentines day for me...

You were part of all the three.. Maybe only you will be part of the every such day to come in the future..

Badly wanted to talk to you.. wanted to hear you voice... I didn't need anything more ....but how could I ?

Life is really cruel

My dear......I really loved you and I will love you still .. But the pain and desperation that i feel now is not because i loved you.. but because you told me that you loved me back , i felt how good it is being in love with you..

Frankly if you had never told me back that you too loved me .. then I would not have felt this much pain.. it would have vanished..  My dear.. I know there is no coming back from anything.. and these letters of mine are all for nothing.. But I dont care.. as long as I care about you.. .. I will keep jotting down things that come to my mind.

Maybe you will understand one day how much I loved you. God knows that................

Anyways Happy Valentines day to you

Idiot

The World wants to Transfer her to My Office room Again

It was interesting to hear someone sitting near me in my office ask me how you are.. how is your character etc. etc. .. Everything is because he talked to you over phone and it just so suited that the present officer at ***  is getting married and wants a transfer herself.

It was like pouring salt to the already clotted wound to make it worse. Words escaped me actually and i felt for a second i might burst out. i was saved by a call from my head.

I know that you want a transfer to ******* and they want you to come here. Everyone is happy except me. I dont have more places to run away. Why am i like this? Every time the thought comes to my mind, the pain is literally killing me .You will never understand what i am talking about because you should try loving someone else more than yourself to understand that.

I dont know what to say. I dont expect anything from you but the fact is even after understanding you threw me away like a pile of used paper, i dont hate you still..

I have a feeling all this will end with me being in the psychiatric ward..

Idiot

Her life Preferences has changed - I am Standing in her Way Now

Be happy always

I know that you are happy and doing well and that's actually something to take away from everything. In the end, life is all about choices and you did pick the right one. Kudos to that..

The only reason you are reading this is because I have come to know that your preferences have changed too.. Parents have become second fiddle... And now I am standing as an obstacle in your face all the while you are thinking about moving to *******.

Just wanted to say.. I will do what I can.. It's time for me to make some harsh choices to get out of this and once I do that.. There won't be the idiot hindering your path to ********.

I believe I have always done what I can without thinking how those decisions might affect my life.. But actually thinking how it might affect the life of the people I care about.. I have lost everything... But there is happiness in knowing that the people you care about are happy....

****** , ****** , ***** everyone got the change in their professional career because of just one thing - me moving out of that...

I know that you wanted me out of your life and that you were jus too polite to not say that... It's painful still .. But all that matters is that you are doing absolutely fine.. That's good

Now the entire point of this exercise was not to dump my thoughts on you... It was just to say that I will do what I can so that you can move to ******* without any obstacles whatsoever from anyone... 

I Know you have changed... and that you just dont value anything you just read

Be happy always

Why am I writing this ?

For a longtime I considered whether I should start writing this blog. For the last 3-4 months I have tried to put you out of my mind and i have failed miserably.I even ended up sending a message to you which might have caused more harm to your happy life. 

I miss you in every way and specially the comfort i had in talking with you. Frankly I had never felt such comfort talking to anyone else in my life. And thats why i decided to write an email to you whenever i feel the pain multiplying inside me. and dont worry my dear i am not going to send you this emails. You wont read all this.. and i am not going to mention anyone in the email and your name too will be kept hidden.

But if ever you are reading this.. Then it means that you have not forgotten our old conversations and you still care for me... If you are. do not comment or let me know that you are reading this.. Because thats actually a painful scenario where i failed to keep the true love of my life to myself.

I need to try to make my mind believe that you never cared for me.. that you just used me for your benefits.. that you just wanted to talk to me only as a replacement to your childhood friend who got married.. that you were selfish and just wanted your life to be happy irrespective of who suffers.

I had compiled the above list to keep reminding myself that you are such a girl.. I am not having much success at that though.. But i need to keep trying again and again.Or else .. I dont know my dear...

Hope you are happy in your new life and wish you a prosperous life. Meanwhile I will keep pouring my heart out in this Blog. 

My vattulla Malakha

yours 

Idiot